RELAPSE

There we were. You were mad at me, furious at me because I forgot to tell you something, you would have none of my apologies and explanations - just livid.

We had some school event we had to attend. We had to sit in groups. There you were, in a dark maroon t-shirt, looking suave as you always do. God, I missed your face. You ignored me, walking past me. I called out your name while sitting cross-legged in a circle with my friends. I sat beside Jo after exchanging places, called out to you so that you would sit beside me, just be with me. That's what I always wanted, to be with you whenever we were with friends, I just wanted to be with you. You shrugged, said no and walked away to another group of my friends because you'd rather be with them than with me, you couldn't stand me.

After the activities, I ran to the toilet barefooted. Gross. I woke up. I remembered you, how you always were, you always loved me. I tried going back to the dream, I just wanted to say one last thing to you, even though you weren't real in it.

I was back in the circle. I got up and walked towards you. You were busy laughing and didn't notice me coming over. I asked meekly if you could just come with me for a bit, we needed to talk. Your face dropped to a frown upon seeing me but got up anyway and walked away from the chatters and laughters in the room.

It was now us. No noise. Just us, I hear your breathing, I hear mine.

I tip-toed, leaned towards you and gave you the biggest and tightest hug because... I knew this was the closest I could get to seeing and feeling you, until the next time I see you in my dreams again. I feel your body, your warmth. I feel how broad your shoulders were compared to mine. I smell you, the familiar scent I've always loved. You were ingrained comfortably in my subconscious; I didn't mind, loved it even because all I ever wanted to think about was the person I loved who loved me back. I remembered how my body had slowly moulded to fit into yours throughout the years, my body learnt where I'd fit perfectly in the crevices and nooks of your body, how could I not? I loved you, loved your soul, loved your body.

My mouth near your ear and I whispered, "I'm sorry we never made it."

"Whatever." You tore from my tight grip and walked away.

I woke up crying.

HAHAHAHA

Jo's and Marcus's celebration at Golden Monkey and now I'm back home with Shauna blasting music and gonna head out to Maze soon. Shauna's fuuuuuucked and I'm laughing at her for having such a low tolerance for alcohol but fuck thaaaaattttt wooooo

PICTURES AND COMMENTARY POST

Back in Singapore...

Making dinner for Nat and I. It was bloody good if I may say, toasted focaccia drizzled with olive oil, fresh avocado spread with roasted cherry tomatoes, portobello mushroom and spinach, topped with lemon juice. So good and easy to make!

My cute bff at Dean & Deluca, an apparently hot spot for gays that sells overly priced salads and has pretentious vibe of a rich schoolgirl. 

My hpy and I having the biggest bowl of ramen I've ever had. Wasn't too bad, wasn't too good either...

Back in Melbourne...

My latest trophies at Muay Thai. I was hobbling for days, it was the worst I've put my body through since the first day of Muay Thai. :'( That said, I'm getting better at it and have just been invited to the fighter's class! My trainer was asking me if I'd have any interest in fighting competitively since I could use my height to my advantage in my weight category but nah thanks, I don't think I'd want to have my ears chomped off anytime soon.

Friends (Marcus, Rach and closed-eyed Jo) and I at the celebration of Singapore's national day at one of the clubs in Docklands. The DJ at the party was so bad we left early. Shame...

Shauna looking hot as fuck as she was drunk at Maze. Can't wait for her to be back next week! Always have the best times with her. 

Clubbing with Essie and Kaige who has such massive tits, it's almost unreal. Photo blurred because bunch of guys were trying to jump into the picture with that 'two hot blonde chickas'. Ah, my life as an Asian.

Drunk as fuck at the Casino with $25 Daiquiri sitting on our table. Was not kidding about the tits.

At South Melbourne beach.

I prefer South Melbourne beach over St. Kilda's, it's less commercialised, less tourists, more quirky nice cafes around for you to eat as opposed to Macca's at St. Kilda's.

Spending a nice day in the sun on the grass with my shoes off and trying to study. It was a good day.

These days I've pretty much been spending time in solidarity. It's nice for a change.

WHOOP WHOOP!

My new favourite t-shirt! I have waited for so long for something THIS awesome to come along. I mean come on, a tee with my favourite song?! Now, I have a tee that matches my iPhone. WHOOP WHOOP!

Closure to a break up: Goodbye

I don't really know where to begin, perhaps I ought to start with feelings, maybe then I can actually write about something concrete; something worth explaining for.

I feel happy. Not superficial sugar high, but genuine and pure happiness - it's not something that I've alway felt and definitely something I've not felt in a long time, this jolt of happiness reminds me of how happy I could have been all this while. These days, I may grumble about rude people, may feel mad for a little while, but at every single end of the day, I know - I'm happy.

I started to discover that hint of happiness as I slowly loosened the grip on my relationship at the start of the year. I realised that I was happier as I stopped caring about petty minute things in my relationship, to the point that I stopped caring. He tried pulling me back to him. I was back only momentarily. Then I discovered that we could no longer talk how we used to, there was always a hidden agenda behind messages, mostly jealousy from me that I couldn't be there with him and his friends could. I would pick fights because I felt it was the only way for me to express myself, for him to come back to me. I fought hard to get his attention; almost felt like I was a 5 year old kid again, throwing tantrums, crying hysterically while stubbornly stuck to the floor, beating tiny fists on the ground and screaming at the top of my lungs just to attract any attention from my parents. It was tiring for both of us, mostly for him because while he was ever so patient but I knew that it had an end to it. We weren't on the same page anymore, we may try really hard but it was going to take many more months of hell before we finally reach there and I am not strong enough for that. I had been through a year of misery and I was exhausted; I had nothing more, no more fuel to go through another year of the same thing again. I am weak, I am not as strong as he is.

With all the toxicity in the relationship, added on to the fact that we could not longer understand each other, I was unhappy. The word 'unhappy' is an understatement, it isn't even enough to convey the rawness, sadness, uncertainty and anger I had. It was a miracle I made it through last year, 2011 was hell for me. I had to beat so many monsters, had to overcome thoughts of killing myself (not even exaggerating here, all hope had seem lost for me), had to battle with loneliness; it was rough for me. It was tough for him too, but his was not tough as mine for sure, I know. He had his friends to be there for him all the way, I had none, I was very alone and extremely scared. Doesn't matter if I kill myself, no one knows me here and if no one knows me, nobody cares if I die, it's easy to just end my misery right now. 


I would numb myself. I would go out partying all night, get fucking smashed and thought I'm okay. Everything sets itself in perspective as I step into my room; the place where I could be honest with myself and I would realise I've never felt so empty before. I'd then proceed to cry myself to sleep as my head hits the pillow. I'd sleep in my clubbing clothes, I wouldn't bother taking off my makeup, wouldn't even bother taking my heels off, who cares? All I felt was hollowness, an empty shell that had nothing in me, just a waste of breathing space. I eat just to function, I sleep when I'm tired of crying, I laugh as a facade... I was in so much agony, there was no more bottom to this hellhole that I was in. There was no way I could share the pain I was in simply because that'd mean a fight is on the way, he just didn't want to listen to any of it, my pains were nonexistent to him. So here I was to fend and battle these monsters all by myself - I was a disaster; I was so close to insanity and yet no one would help me. The person I needed the most abandoned me when I was most frightened and begging for help.

It doesn't matter now. I know what we had was real. I know I loved him, I loved him with everything I had to give, loved with all that I had even when I had nothing else to give, knew I loved him so much, I would do anything and everything for him because that was love. And I know I'll always love him, just like how I always signed off his gifts, because I will. He played a huge part in my life, 3 years of our lives as one, we learned together, we cried together, we fought hard to stay together. Losing him wasn't just losing a best friend, it was also losing a part of me. I have nothing but good thoughts about him when I think about the demise of our relationship, I think of the silly times we've had and the times we laughed so hard we cried. He is the kindest person I know of, he possesses such a good heart. But we can't be together right now. We're too destructive to be with each other at this moment. If anything, I am glad that he was surrounded by friends and family, to talk about us; he deserves nothing but the best.

All that is over now. That chapter of my life has ended, whether it'd be reopened again is unclear - we'll never know. For now, I just want to thank you for teaching and showing me what love really was. You have taught me so much.

PINK CHUN LI HAIR

Finally got my hair dyed, turned out pink when it was supposed to be purple but screw that. Did it with some hints of pastel pink in there so there's more depth in colour as opposed to just a single colour. Gotta redo my hair before I leave for Singapore again since it's been a good 2-3 weeks and the colours have mostly bled out. Can't wait!

Marketing exam on Monday, can't wait to get that over and done with and hopefully to work for LB (oh my god) as an intern for a bit... All's going so amazingly well for me in my life, it's unbelievable. I've never felt genuine happiness in such a long time.

Hope all's good with anyone who's reading this! :)

OH, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

Pinafore from Stylestalker, so adorable! Fangirl gush.

YET AGAIN

Bleached my hair yet again. And wearing the same tshirt again (I assure you it's clean, I do my laundry every week, I swear). Can't wait to get it purple. Or maybe I ought to leave it as white... Or just shave my head off entirely.

NO MORE ARMY FOR MY BOYFRIEND IN 3 WEEKS TIME! So excited for him. And I can't wait for my trip to Shanghai to see him and his adorable sisters and mom! Bursting with happiness. Hehehe :3

But first, I've got to get my essays done. Zack you're right when you scoffed as soon as you heard that I was going to get some work done; cus I didn't. GAWDAMNIT PROCRASTINATION, YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

IT'S OKAY.

Feeling extremely depressed after reading the relationship subreddit. Makes me even more depressed than I already am thinking about mine.

Thought my hair looks fucking nice so being a girl, I took narcissistic self-shots of me trying to be sexy with a pout, but failed. My try-hard attempt fails me. As always.

Dinner with fellow mates from gym was fantastic. I feel so full, I demanded Rachel to pet my food baby to sleep safe in my tummy. It's always fun having such great friends to have dinner and talk with. Jo and I had to resist the urge to knock down a pyramid stacked high up with sushi covers. We didn't of course, because I'm scared to get into trouble. Marty thinks he's cool because he dares to. But his rock star days are over, I remind him, and I felt bad immediately. Because it's true. Then I ask myself why I open my mouth sometimes, at all.

Desserts later after dinner and oh man, yet again, I met such wonderful people. Made friends and we talked about how Machiavelli is our favourite because he's a motherfucking badass in politics. Of course, it would never work in modern times, but we both agree on Machiavelli being a fucking badass going H.A.M and we love him for it. Totalitarianism is the way to go to rule the people, just power and fear. OFF WITH YOUR HEAD BECAUSE YOU DON'T FEAR ME.

WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO...

Bleached the bottom part of my hair so that I'd be able to have (hopefully) white hair by the end of next month when I go through stage 2 of bleaching. Can't wait! My hair is still kind of in a mess though, more tangly than normal, more frizzy than normal but it's okay! Just condition with heaps of honey and olive oil and my hair will be alright. ^^

Skyping with Martin, with my awesome roomie. I MISS YOU MARTIN :'( He showed us his cute pitbull (love pitbulls, aaahhh) called Bob (wtf, BOB?! Who the hell calls a dog Bob, a knowingly red-neck name?).

Caught my first hardcore concert by Blessthefall and August Burns Red. My ears were ringing after the concert. The crowd surfers scared me a lot, most of the time, I'd turn to Shaydon in shock with my mouth and eyes wide open. He laughed at me a lot that night. So did Vlad. Thanks Marty for hooking me up with this gig!

Doesn't show much but massive bruises in my first week of Muay Thai, Boxing and Kickboxing. It's all healed now. I love going for training. Love the feeling of knowing that I've had a great workout for my body. And also knowing my body has never looked better in years, my arms are more toned now, AWW HELL YEAAAH.

Yummy smoked salmon, mushrooms with eggs florentine eaten at Brunswick, Red Tongue. So yummy. The mushrooms especially.

Crazy dog, a.k.a Effy.

Me with the very adorable, sometimes very annoying Effy poo poo. 

Yummy chai latte with honey, again in Red Tongue. So yummy and creamy and so full of chai, I melted away, slumped in my chair.

Me with my best friend, a Buddha's head with a glass of moscato (yum) in Cho Gao with Fang and Zack.

Think I wouldn't be able to spot you, you cute little wallaby, hiding in the bushes? GOT YOU.

Road trip with Fang and his friends on whatever this beach is.

St. Paul's cathedral. Have not disintegrated into flames despite being in there twice now.

Flying hair, whoooosh!

Cute kitty in a petting zoo who didn't flinched when someone played with its tail. Oh, you sleep, you've had a tough day, little one.

So well well, this has pretty much summarised whatever I've been up to for the past couple of months. 

My life has never been this great, I love my life. It has been a while since I've actually felt genuine happiness. Even if something really shitty happens which drives me crazy, I know that at the end of everything, I'm still happy. It's okay, I'm okay, everything is okay. 

THIS PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP.

Amazing how we may be of different places, different backgrounds, different people and yet, you know exactly what another artist sings about; of the pain, of the heartache. But unlike these talented people, we cannot express ourselves as well as they do, so the pure, humble mortals will use YouTube videos and songs to express them.

DAT FUR

Look at this little wonderful ball of fur.

WHAT TO DO, HOW TO DO?

I've not written a post of concrete material for a long time. It has been a while since I've put my mind to some use; all those mindless conversations while you're drunk, those mindless activities have occupied a major bulk in my vastly empty life since the start of this year.

I had such an ambitious vision a month ago. Right where I'm at now, I envisioned myself to already being hired by my previous media agency, working with my previous employers, having my boss carve out turkey for everyone of us (which I'd awkwardly decline and urge not to make any statement about being pescetarian - a known mistake that I've been making for years and still do. I hate going through why I chose to 'give up one of the best things in life' and have to further debate with people on why 'meat is the best fucking thing on earth, and you're losing out if you're not on it'), truth is, I'm nowhere near my vision. I'm lazing around at home, lying on my queen sized bed (a luxury that will be rudely taken away from me once I head back to Melbourne), having great home-cooked food by the end of the day while I get myself busy for hours on YouTube and Reddit.

On top of that, my imagined checklist is constantly glaring back at me, furious at my choice of life I've decided to embark on, after touching down Singapore. And it keeps reminding me that time is ticking, I'm only left with 2 months here before I leave and jet back to Melbourne again.

This post will now delve into my fears and insecurities, nothing new. Just topping up my milkshake of fears and insecurities with more milkshake and whipped cream, we'll be having this lengthy chat about those 2 bloody suckers.

Next year, 2012, is going to be a scary year. I'd be going through so much changes, I don't know if I'm ready for it. With the constant pain in my ass about having such little time, I'm in a mental state of being in a constant rush; rush to spend more time with my family, withhold the rush NOT to argue with my parents (unless deemed necessary), rush to do something more productive (although nothing productive has come out of it), rush to spend as much time as I can with Zack. The last factor weighs on me the most.

Some days (although happening increasingly and alarmingly frequent), I find myself upset; upset that I only have so little time left to spend with him before... before I leave for Melbourne, before he leaves for Shanghai/Canada. Some days, I get enraged; enraged because I have to go through this when all we ever wanted, is to be a boring couple who gets to stay wherever each other are, fight over petty things like him calling me fat, kiss and make up, and know that we'll still forever be at the same place as we are at for years to come. On good days, I sit and mull over if there's any possible loophole that we could sneak around and then we'd laugh at the odds, light and throw a dynamite at it while we walk away in slow-mo, walk like a black motherfucker gangster would, as the odds burst into flames and explodes, never to be seen again.

Whether we finally get to walk away like badasses is something we'll know in 5 years to come when he's finally done with his studies, whether we've made it through and high-five the living shit out of everybody saying, "THAT WAS EASY, no sweat" when we both know it sucked the living soul out of our body to be in this crazy relationship.

I had such a perfect vision of how we'd be when I got back here. But ever since I've touched down, we've been through our share of fights and I sometimes wonder, what happened to that picture of us? In fact, I blame most of the fights on myself because most of it originates from my own insecurities and fears, that we're not good enough to pull through, that I'm always trying to search for something to strengthen ourselves in case an obstacle appears and we can go, 'ah, fuck you, you little obstacle shit. Out of my way.'

Is it possible to know every single thing about a person? I used to think, 'of course', but now, I'm starting to veer my course the other direction. Will I ever know every minute detail about a person? Is that doable?

I hope to read this in 5 years time and laugh. Laugh at my unsound insecurities and fears that didn't/did came true and know that whatever that happened, I'm still alive, kicking and fucking alive.

SOMETIMES

I wonder if we'll make it through it all. Just a sneak peek into the future, is all I want.

Will we? Or not?

YOU KNOW HOW IT'S ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

Scott's Boo'ya Moon

where I wished I was Scott Landon; I'll find a part of myself where I could hide and be away from everyone until I feel better. Like Scott Landon, I'll transport myself to Boo'ya Moon, where noise would be frowned upon, where everything was beautiful, filled with so much pain but you know you can't leave it because it's a part of you, because you're in yourself. This is in reference to Stephen King's Lisey's Story, just in case nobody knows what I'm talking about.

I often find myself (sometimes subconsciously) wishing there was such a place where I could just escape for a bit. To get away from all these noise, the endless questions about what to do, how to feel. Sometimes, all these pushing drive me to the edge. Sometimes, I wonder if there's a justifiable explanation for the whirlpool of craziness. Scott bled his madness out. Not in an emo way like, "I bleed my heart out for you" but in literal sense, bled all the craziness out so that he felt well again. I wonder, if I ever get to my own a secret place of solace (just like how Scott Landon found his Boo'ya Moon) and if anyone would try to bring me back. Why does that matter though, I'm not sure.

Since when was it this hard to be a living, breathing being? There is so much pain and suffering out there in this world that it makes my problems and insecurities look ridiculously petty. But what to do about a cry baby?

Nothing.

Stay sane. Everything the same babyluv.

WHY AREN'T YOU MINE?

You know how they say it's love after infatuation dies down after 3 months and you still feel the same for someone? I want this watch so badly. I've been wearing my $20 Casio watch for the past 2 years and as much as it has done a great service to me, like telling the time, I really want this so much. If only I earned money each time I open my mouth to curse and swear. FEAR NOT NIXON WATCH, IMMA GET YOU. I will get you with my money. And we can stare each other other till we fall asleep, you'll shower with me, you'll never leave my side. Ever.

SPRING BREAK 2011, TASSIE ROAD TRIP!

Most of you guys would probably have seen this on Facebook, but just reposting it here again because this 5 minute clip took me an entire day of sitting in front of Adobe Premier Pro and editing 4 days worth of footage into that clip. 

4 more weeks to home! 

COMING HOME!

Picture of a horribly pixelated Grab shot of my mom and Furby. I'm coming home next month! I can't wait although... I'm having mixed feelings about heading back to Singapore. Me heading home signifies the end of an unbelievable year to my friends who are heading back to their respective countries, to which I'll probably never get to see them all at the same place anymore. Unless one of us gets hitched - which is a couple of light years away. I've grown so close to these friends, they're almost like my family. The absence of our loved ones makes us look to each other in times of help, advice and love. Saying goodbye to these amazing friends I've made this year is almost the same as saying goodbye to your loved ones.

Coming home also means that I've got to get a head start on preparing for 2012. Have yet to settle on a place to live with Rach. I can't wait to live with this girl, just because I know we'll have so much fun. I'm not saying my current room mate is a bore though, she's fantastic. I'm just dreading the process of looking for a perfect place to live. Perfect not in terms of insignificatory factors such as "a view that overlooks the city", nonono. I'm more interested in the distance to my university, the cost of rent per week, whether the rent includes heat, water, electricity and internet, if there are separate rooms. Searching for a place to rent is such a pain in the ass, like a pimple on the butt.

That said, coming home also means coming back to familiar faces of my family, my fat doggies, friends and boyfriend. One thing both Rach and I agreed on Singapore's culture (which we both miss) is the constant jabbing and teasing in Singlish/slangs that could never be as funny if it were translated into English and used here. Singaporeans have this hilarious and embarrassing way of making fun of each other that only fellow Singaporeans can understand. I guess that's why I'm never funny around my Caucasian friends (although I try really hard). I'm thinking when I head back home, I'm going to be teased mercilessly by my friends about the way I talk (which I faced at full brunt when I went back in the mid-year), where I'm ruthlessly named, "Barbarella" the SPG in The Noose. Speaking of accents, I wrote an article for my media writing class about how the way I spoke was weird whether in Singapore or here in Melbourne. To me, it's this loss of my identity that most people pick up on and judge me for it. Sad, isn't it?

To be honest, when I get home, it reminds me why I love my life so much back here in Melbourne. Remembering the time I went back to Singapore, I found the comfort familiar and it was so easy to settle back in. But after a while, I just got bored of it, annoyed even. Like, naggings from my folks (which I got very little of and I got away with it most of the time, which I'd never be able to if I had not be been away for such a long time), the dead and predictable space where time keeps ticking away.

That said, I will make the most out of it when I head back to Singapore this time. I'll be spending a good 4 months back home, which to me, calls for a fucking celebration, because that's a good 4 months! 1 third of a year! Spent in Singapore! Countdown to Singapore: 5 more weeks. I sort of can't and can wait for it to come.

TASSIE: ROUND 1.

I WISH I HAD BIGGER BOOBS

(yes you can see my Wonder Woman undies, sorry.)

Received my dress from ASOS but the front is way too huge despite the dress being a size 6. Wish I had bigger boobs to fill the dress but it's okay. I like small boobs, although in this instance, I wish I had bigger boobies. MOM, WHY GIVE ME SMALL BOOBS?!

That said, can't wait for tonight! Mexican food with friends and my irresponsible boyfriend is coming back to Singapore from Thailand. I am going to kill him for not giving me a call to tell me he has arrived safely in Thailand 4 days ago.

Also, I've received bad news from my mom that Max might have cancer. Fuck, why is this happening. I hope he's still breathing when I get home in 2 months. Hang in there, Maxie, I am coming soon baby.