Closure to a break up: Goodbye

I don't really know where to begin, perhaps I ought to start with feelings, maybe then I can actually write about something concrete; something worth explaining for.

I feel happy. Not superficial sugar high, but genuine and pure happiness - it's not something that I've alway felt and definitely something I've not felt in a long time, this jolt of happiness reminds me of how happy I could have been all this while. These days, I may grumble about rude people, may feel mad for a little while, but at every single end of the day, I know - I'm happy.

I started to discover that hint of happiness as I slowly loosened the grip on my relationship at the start of the year. I realised that I was happier as I stopped caring about petty minute things in my relationship, to the point that I stopped caring. He tried pulling me back to him. I was back only momentarily. Then I discovered that we could no longer talk how we used to, there was always a hidden agenda behind messages, mostly jealousy from me that I couldn't be there with him and his friends could. I would pick fights because I felt it was the only way for me to express myself, for him to come back to me. I fought hard to get his attention; almost felt like I was a 5 year old kid again, throwing tantrums, crying hysterically while stubbornly stuck to the floor, beating tiny fists on the ground and screaming at the top of my lungs just to attract any attention from my parents. It was tiring for both of us, mostly for him because while he was ever so patient but I knew that it had an end to it. We weren't on the same page anymore, we may try really hard but it was going to take many more months of hell before we finally reach there and I am not strong enough for that. I had been through a year of misery and I was exhausted; I had nothing more, no more fuel to go through another year of the same thing again. I am weak, I am not as strong as he is.

With all the toxicity in the relationship, added on to the fact that we could not longer understand each other, I was unhappy. The word 'unhappy' is an understatement, it isn't even enough to convey the rawness, sadness, uncertainty and anger I had. It was a miracle I made it through last year, 2011 was hell for me. I had to beat so many monsters, had to overcome thoughts of killing myself (not even exaggerating here, all hope had seem lost for me), had to battle with loneliness; it was rough for me. It was tough for him too, but his was not tough as mine for sure, I know. He had his friends to be there for him all the way, I had none, I was very alone and extremely scared. Doesn't matter if I kill myself, no one knows me here and if no one knows me, nobody cares if I die, it's easy to just end my misery right now. 


I would numb myself. I would go out partying all night, get fucking smashed and thought I'm okay. Everything sets itself in perspective as I step into my room; the place where I could be honest with myself and I would realise I've never felt so empty before. I'd then proceed to cry myself to sleep as my head hits the pillow. I'd sleep in my clubbing clothes, I wouldn't bother taking off my makeup, wouldn't even bother taking my heels off, who cares? All I felt was hollowness, an empty shell that had nothing in me, just a waste of breathing space. I eat just to function, I sleep when I'm tired of crying, I laugh as a facade... I was in so much agony, there was no more bottom to this hellhole that I was in. There was no way I could share the pain I was in simply because that'd mean a fight is on the way, he just didn't want to listen to any of it, my pains were nonexistent to him. So here I was to fend and battle these monsters all by myself - I was a disaster; I was so close to insanity and yet no one would help me. The person I needed the most abandoned me when I was most frightened and begging for help.

It doesn't matter now. I know what we had was real. I know I loved him, I loved him with everything I had to give, loved with all that I had even when I had nothing else to give, knew I loved him so much, I would do anything and everything for him because that was love. And I know I'll always love him, just like how I always signed off his gifts, because I will. He played a huge part in my life, 3 years of our lives as one, we learned together, we cried together, we fought hard to stay together. Losing him wasn't just losing a best friend, it was also losing a part of me. I have nothing but good thoughts about him when I think about the demise of our relationship, I think of the silly times we've had and the times we laughed so hard we cried. He is the kindest person I know of, he possesses such a good heart. But we can't be together right now. We're too destructive to be with each other at this moment. If anything, I am glad that he was surrounded by friends and family, to talk about us; he deserves nothing but the best.

All that is over now. That chapter of my life has ended, whether it'd be reopened again is unclear - we'll never know. For now, I just want to thank you for teaching and showing me what love really was. You have taught me so much.