YET AGAIN

Bleached my hair yet again. And wearing the same tshirt again (I assure you it's clean, I do my laundry every week, I swear). Can't wait to get it purple. Or maybe I ought to leave it as white... Or just shave my head off entirely.

NO MORE ARMY FOR MY BOYFRIEND IN 3 WEEKS TIME! So excited for him. And I can't wait for my trip to Shanghai to see him and his adorable sisters and mom! Bursting with happiness. Hehehe :3

But first, I've got to get my essays done. Zack you're right when you scoffed as soon as you heard that I was going to get some work done; cus I didn't. GAWDAMNIT PROCRASTINATION, YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

IT'S OKAY.

Feeling extremely depressed after reading the relationship subreddit. Makes me even more depressed than I already am thinking about mine.

Thought my hair looks fucking nice so being a girl, I took narcissistic self-shots of me trying to be sexy with a pout, but failed. My try-hard attempt fails me. As always.

Dinner with fellow mates from gym was fantastic. I feel so full, I demanded Rachel to pet my food baby to sleep safe in my tummy. It's always fun having such great friends to have dinner and talk with. Jo and I had to resist the urge to knock down a pyramid stacked high up with sushi covers. We didn't of course, because I'm scared to get into trouble. Marty thinks he's cool because he dares to. But his rock star days are over, I remind him, and I felt bad immediately. Because it's true. Then I ask myself why I open my mouth sometimes, at all.

Desserts later after dinner and oh man, yet again, I met such wonderful people. Made friends and we talked about how Machiavelli is our favourite because he's a motherfucking badass in politics. Of course, it would never work in modern times, but we both agree on Machiavelli being a fucking badass going H.A.M and we love him for it. Totalitarianism is the way to go to rule the people, just power and fear. OFF WITH YOUR HEAD BECAUSE YOU DON'T FEAR ME.

WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO...

Bleached the bottom part of my hair so that I'd be able to have (hopefully) white hair by the end of next month when I go through stage 2 of bleaching. Can't wait! My hair is still kind of in a mess though, more tangly than normal, more frizzy than normal but it's okay! Just condition with heaps of honey and olive oil and my hair will be alright. ^^

Skyping with Martin, with my awesome roomie. I MISS YOU MARTIN :'( He showed us his cute pitbull (love pitbulls, aaahhh) called Bob (wtf, BOB?! Who the hell calls a dog Bob, a knowingly red-neck name?).

Caught my first hardcore concert by Blessthefall and August Burns Red. My ears were ringing after the concert. The crowd surfers scared me a lot, most of the time, I'd turn to Shaydon in shock with my mouth and eyes wide open. He laughed at me a lot that night. So did Vlad. Thanks Marty for hooking me up with this gig!

Doesn't show much but massive bruises in my first week of Muay Thai, Boxing and Kickboxing. It's all healed now. I love going for training. Love the feeling of knowing that I've had a great workout for my body. And also knowing my body has never looked better in years, my arms are more toned now, AWW HELL YEAAAH.

Yummy smoked salmon, mushrooms with eggs florentine eaten at Brunswick, Red Tongue. So yummy. The mushrooms especially.

Crazy dog, a.k.a Effy.

Me with the very adorable, sometimes very annoying Effy poo poo. 

Yummy chai latte with honey, again in Red Tongue. So yummy and creamy and so full of chai, I melted away, slumped in my chair.

Me with my best friend, a Buddha's head with a glass of moscato (yum) in Cho Gao with Fang and Zack.

Think I wouldn't be able to spot you, you cute little wallaby, hiding in the bushes? GOT YOU.

Road trip with Fang and his friends on whatever this beach is.

St. Paul's cathedral. Have not disintegrated into flames despite being in there twice now.

Flying hair, whoooosh!

Cute kitty in a petting zoo who didn't flinched when someone played with its tail. Oh, you sleep, you've had a tough day, little one.

So well well, this has pretty much summarised whatever I've been up to for the past couple of months. 

My life has never been this great, I love my life. It has been a while since I've actually felt genuine happiness. Even if something really shitty happens which drives me crazy, I know that at the end of everything, I'm still happy. It's okay, I'm okay, everything is okay. 

THIS PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP.

Amazing how we may be of different places, different backgrounds, different people and yet, you know exactly what another artist sings about; of the pain, of the heartache. But unlike these talented people, we cannot express ourselves as well as they do, so the pure, humble mortals will use YouTube videos and songs to express them.

DAT FUR

Look at this little wonderful ball of fur.

WHAT TO DO, HOW TO DO?

I've not written a post of concrete material for a long time. It has been a while since I've put my mind to some use; all those mindless conversations while you're drunk, those mindless activities have occupied a major bulk in my vastly empty life since the start of this year.

I had such an ambitious vision a month ago. Right where I'm at now, I envisioned myself to already being hired by my previous media agency, working with my previous employers, having my boss carve out turkey for everyone of us (which I'd awkwardly decline and urge not to make any statement about being pescetarian - a known mistake that I've been making for years and still do. I hate going through why I chose to 'give up one of the best things in life' and have to further debate with people on why 'meat is the best fucking thing on earth, and you're losing out if you're not on it'), truth is, I'm nowhere near my vision. I'm lazing around at home, lying on my queen sized bed (a luxury that will be rudely taken away from me once I head back to Melbourne), having great home-cooked food by the end of the day while I get myself busy for hours on YouTube and Reddit.

On top of that, my imagined checklist is constantly glaring back at me, furious at my choice of life I've decided to embark on, after touching down Singapore. And it keeps reminding me that time is ticking, I'm only left with 2 months here before I leave and jet back to Melbourne again.

This post will now delve into my fears and insecurities, nothing new. Just topping up my milkshake of fears and insecurities with more milkshake and whipped cream, we'll be having this lengthy chat about those 2 bloody suckers.

Next year, 2012, is going to be a scary year. I'd be going through so much changes, I don't know if I'm ready for it. With the constant pain in my ass about having such little time, I'm in a mental state of being in a constant rush; rush to spend more time with my family, withhold the rush NOT to argue with my parents (unless deemed necessary), rush to do something more productive (although nothing productive has come out of it), rush to spend as much time as I can with Zack. The last factor weighs on me the most.

Some days (although happening increasingly and alarmingly frequent), I find myself upset; upset that I only have so little time left to spend with him before... before I leave for Melbourne, before he leaves for Shanghai/Canada. Some days, I get enraged; enraged because I have to go through this when all we ever wanted, is to be a boring couple who gets to stay wherever each other are, fight over petty things like him calling me fat, kiss and make up, and know that we'll still forever be at the same place as we are at for years to come. On good days, I sit and mull over if there's any possible loophole that we could sneak around and then we'd laugh at the odds, light and throw a dynamite at it while we walk away in slow-mo, walk like a black motherfucker gangster would, as the odds burst into flames and explodes, never to be seen again.

Whether we finally get to walk away like badasses is something we'll know in 5 years to come when he's finally done with his studies, whether we've made it through and high-five the living shit out of everybody saying, "THAT WAS EASY, no sweat" when we both know it sucked the living soul out of our body to be in this crazy relationship.

I had such a perfect vision of how we'd be when I got back here. But ever since I've touched down, we've been through our share of fights and I sometimes wonder, what happened to that picture of us? In fact, I blame most of the fights on myself because most of it originates from my own insecurities and fears, that we're not good enough to pull through, that I'm always trying to search for something to strengthen ourselves in case an obstacle appears and we can go, 'ah, fuck you, you little obstacle shit. Out of my way.'

Is it possible to know every single thing about a person? I used to think, 'of course', but now, I'm starting to veer my course the other direction. Will I ever know every minute detail about a person? Is that doable?

I hope to read this in 5 years time and laugh. Laugh at my unsound insecurities and fears that didn't/did came true and know that whatever that happened, I'm still alive, kicking and fucking alive.

SOMETIMES

I wonder if we'll make it through it all. Just a sneak peek into the future, is all I want.

Will we? Or not?