Hello. I'm bored now and I figured, might as well blog.

So yeah, right now, I'm having some personality crisis. You know, the feeling when you're just uncertain about how you should behave or say because you want people to like you?

I haven't been myself ever since I stepped into RP. I suppose that whenever someone mentions 'Sam', they'd think someone who's loud and fun. But I have been anything but fun and loud in class. I'm not exactly sure why this should be a public post when I feel that it should be a private one, but I do know that I want to reach out to my classmates that should I appear quiet or reserved, I'm definitely not. And I suppose blogging is the only medium because I don't talk much in class.

Well, except for class discussions.

I don't know why I haven't been myself.

Back in secondary school, I'd usually have something to look forward to, it was either being with my friends and going mad in class or English lessons where debating lessons with Mrs. Raj was always entertaining.

But stepping into RP makes no sense to me. I go into class, get teamed up with someone I absolutely do not like (ironically, I do get paired up with my pretty China boy for 3 times in a row. What a pain in the ass.) and I have to come up with a presentation at the end of the day after much headache and thinking.

Daily routine work just kills me. Its probably a cancer, yes, routine. I want something that I do not expect. Something that doesn't make me go, 'Fuck, same o' shit.'

Its weird to see classmates of mine opening up already. Somehow, I can picture me doing that. I used to have no problem opening up to strangers and letting them know the real me, that is, fun, loud, crazy and opinionated 'Sam'. Somehow, I just totally refused to let anyone in, like a clam thats real hard to open. Right now, I suppose I'm known as 'that quiet kid in the class'.

Don't get me wrong, I've got no qualms being quiet. But thats just not me. I've never been quiet my whole life. I just don't understand why I am doing what I hate in RP.

And now, I'm finding it a challenge to show everyone who I really am because I feel that once you've start the momentum, its hard to make it stop. Its more like a habit, unknowingly.

For instance, I started out school as someone quiet. I keep up with that for the past few weeks and now, I'm used to it. I'm afraid of what people are going to say if I talk to much. Will they like me? Will the same mistakes occur again if I talk too much? Its stuck in a pattern where its hard to change.

1 plus 1 will always equate to 2, never 3.

So now, I'm having a personality crisis. I need some advice on this. People, do comment. Thanks a million. And I don't need anyone to go, 'Yay, go eat bullshit and pluck daisies' to entirely spoil my mood. Not now at least, I'll deal with you another time.





Receptive? Y/N