RELAPSE

There we were. You were mad at me, furious at me because I forgot to tell you something, you would have none of my apologies and explanations - just livid.

We had some school event we had to attend. We had to sit in groups. There you were, in a dark maroon t-shirt, looking suave as you always do. God, I missed your face. You ignored me, walking past me. I called out your name while sitting cross-legged in a circle with my friends. I sat beside Jo after exchanging places, called out to you so that you would sit beside me, just be with me. That's what I always wanted, to be with you whenever we were with friends, I just wanted to be with you. You shrugged, said no and walked away to another group of my friends because you'd rather be with them than with me, you couldn't stand me.

After the activities, I ran to the toilet barefooted. Gross. I woke up. I remembered you, how you always were, you always loved me. I tried going back to the dream, I just wanted to say one last thing to you, even though you weren't real in it.

I was back in the circle. I got up and walked towards you. You were busy laughing and didn't notice me coming over. I asked meekly if you could just come with me for a bit, we needed to talk. Your face dropped to a frown upon seeing me but got up anyway and walked away from the chatters and laughters in the room.

It was now us. No noise. Just us, I hear your breathing, I hear mine.

I tip-toed, leaned towards you and gave you the biggest and tightest hug because... I knew this was the closest I could get to seeing and feeling you, until the next time I see you in my dreams again. I feel your body, your warmth. I feel how broad your shoulders were compared to mine. I smell you, the familiar scent I've always loved. You were ingrained comfortably in my subconscious; I didn't mind, loved it even because all I ever wanted to think about was the person I loved who loved me back. I remembered how my body had slowly moulded to fit into yours throughout the years, my body learnt where I'd fit perfectly in the crevices and nooks of your body, how could I not? I loved you, loved your soul, loved your body.

My mouth near your ear and I whispered, "I'm sorry we never made it."

"Whatever." You tore from my tight grip and walked away.

I woke up crying.

HAHAHAHA

Jo's and Marcus's celebration at Golden Monkey and now I'm back home with Shauna blasting music and gonna head out to Maze soon. Shauna's fuuuuuucked and I'm laughing at her for having such a low tolerance for alcohol but fuck thaaaaattttt wooooo

PICTURES AND COMMENTARY POST

Back in Singapore...

Making dinner for Nat and I. It was bloody good if I may say, toasted focaccia drizzled with olive oil, fresh avocado spread with roasted cherry tomatoes, portobello mushroom and spinach, topped with lemon juice. So good and easy to make!

My cute bff at Dean & Deluca, an apparently hot spot for gays that sells overly priced salads and has pretentious vibe of a rich schoolgirl. 

My hpy and I having the biggest bowl of ramen I've ever had. Wasn't too bad, wasn't too good either...

Back in Melbourne...

My latest trophies at Muay Thai. I was hobbling for days, it was the worst I've put my body through since the first day of Muay Thai. :'( That said, I'm getting better at it and have just been invited to the fighter's class! My trainer was asking me if I'd have any interest in fighting competitively since I could use my height to my advantage in my weight category but nah thanks, I don't think I'd want to have my ears chomped off anytime soon.

Friends (Marcus, Rach and closed-eyed Jo) and I at the celebration of Singapore's national day at one of the clubs in Docklands. The DJ at the party was so bad we left early. Shame...

Shauna looking hot as fuck as she was drunk at Maze. Can't wait for her to be back next week! Always have the best times with her. 

Clubbing with Essie and Kaige who has such massive tits, it's almost unreal. Photo blurred because bunch of guys were trying to jump into the picture with that 'two hot blonde chickas'. Ah, my life as an Asian.

Drunk as fuck at the Casino with $25 Daiquiri sitting on our table. Was not kidding about the tits.

At South Melbourne beach.

I prefer South Melbourne beach over St. Kilda's, it's less commercialised, less tourists, more quirky nice cafes around for you to eat as opposed to Macca's at St. Kilda's.

Spending a nice day in the sun on the grass with my shoes off and trying to study. It was a good day.

These days I've pretty much been spending time in solidarity. It's nice for a change.

WHOOP WHOOP!

My new favourite t-shirt! I have waited for so long for something THIS awesome to come along. I mean come on, a tee with my favourite song?! Now, I have a tee that matches my iPhone. WHOOP WHOOP!

Closure to a break up: Goodbye

I don't really know where to begin, perhaps I ought to start with feelings, maybe then I can actually write about something concrete; something worth explaining for.

I feel happy. Not superficial sugar high, but genuine and pure happiness - it's not something that I've alway felt and definitely something I've not felt in a long time, this jolt of happiness reminds me of how happy I could have been all this while. These days, I may grumble about rude people, may feel mad for a little while, but at every single end of the day, I know - I'm happy.

I started to discover that hint of happiness as I slowly loosened the grip on my relationship at the start of the year. I realised that I was happier as I stopped caring about petty minute things in my relationship, to the point that I stopped caring. He tried pulling me back to him. I was back only momentarily. Then I discovered that we could no longer talk how we used to, there was always a hidden agenda behind messages, mostly jealousy from me that I couldn't be there with him and his friends could. I would pick fights because I felt it was the only way for me to express myself, for him to come back to me. I fought hard to get his attention; almost felt like I was a 5 year old kid again, throwing tantrums, crying hysterically while stubbornly stuck to the floor, beating tiny fists on the ground and screaming at the top of my lungs just to attract any attention from my parents. It was tiring for both of us, mostly for him because while he was ever so patient but I knew that it had an end to it. We weren't on the same page anymore, we may try really hard but it was going to take many more months of hell before we finally reach there and I am not strong enough for that. I had been through a year of misery and I was exhausted; I had nothing more, no more fuel to go through another year of the same thing again. I am weak, I am not as strong as he is.

With all the toxicity in the relationship, added on to the fact that we could not longer understand each other, I was unhappy. The word 'unhappy' is an understatement, it isn't even enough to convey the rawness, sadness, uncertainty and anger I had. It was a miracle I made it through last year, 2011 was hell for me. I had to beat so many monsters, had to overcome thoughts of killing myself (not even exaggerating here, all hope had seem lost for me), had to battle with loneliness; it was rough for me. It was tough for him too, but his was not tough as mine for sure, I know. He had his friends to be there for him all the way, I had none, I was very alone and extremely scared. Doesn't matter if I kill myself, no one knows me here and if no one knows me, nobody cares if I die, it's easy to just end my misery right now. 


I would numb myself. I would go out partying all night, get fucking smashed and thought I'm okay. Everything sets itself in perspective as I step into my room; the place where I could be honest with myself and I would realise I've never felt so empty before. I'd then proceed to cry myself to sleep as my head hits the pillow. I'd sleep in my clubbing clothes, I wouldn't bother taking off my makeup, wouldn't even bother taking my heels off, who cares? All I felt was hollowness, an empty shell that had nothing in me, just a waste of breathing space. I eat just to function, I sleep when I'm tired of crying, I laugh as a facade... I was in so much agony, there was no more bottom to this hellhole that I was in. There was no way I could share the pain I was in simply because that'd mean a fight is on the way, he just didn't want to listen to any of it, my pains were nonexistent to him. So here I was to fend and battle these monsters all by myself - I was a disaster; I was so close to insanity and yet no one would help me. The person I needed the most abandoned me when I was most frightened and begging for help.

It doesn't matter now. I know what we had was real. I know I loved him, I loved him with everything I had to give, loved with all that I had even when I had nothing else to give, knew I loved him so much, I would do anything and everything for him because that was love. And I know I'll always love him, just like how I always signed off his gifts, because I will. He played a huge part in my life, 3 years of our lives as one, we learned together, we cried together, we fought hard to stay together. Losing him wasn't just losing a best friend, it was also losing a part of me. I have nothing but good thoughts about him when I think about the demise of our relationship, I think of the silly times we've had and the times we laughed so hard we cried. He is the kindest person I know of, he possesses such a good heart. But we can't be together right now. We're too destructive to be with each other at this moment. If anything, I am glad that he was surrounded by friends and family, to talk about us; he deserves nothing but the best.

All that is over now. That chapter of my life has ended, whether it'd be reopened again is unclear - we'll never know. For now, I just want to thank you for teaching and showing me what love really was. You have taught me so much.

PINK CHUN LI HAIR

Finally got my hair dyed, turned out pink when it was supposed to be purple but screw that. Did it with some hints of pastel pink in there so there's more depth in colour as opposed to just a single colour. Gotta redo my hair before I leave for Singapore again since it's been a good 2-3 weeks and the colours have mostly bled out. Can't wait!

Marketing exam on Monday, can't wait to get that over and done with and hopefully to work for LB (oh my god) as an intern for a bit... All's going so amazingly well for me in my life, it's unbelievable. I've never felt genuine happiness in such a long time.

Hope all's good with anyone who's reading this! :)

OH, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

Pinafore from Stylestalker, so adorable! Fangirl gush.