Everyday, it almost feels just like any day when I wake up from my sleep, happy that yet another day is here. Then when the night falls, it all comes back to me when I see your face. You wouldn't be able to understand the hurt that you've caused me because you have never tried, to begin with. You never tried. You just tolerated. You never ever tried to put yourself in my shoes because you probably think that I'm just being childish and nonsensical, and maybe, I'll just grow out of it. Maybe I might grow out of it, and maybe, just maybe, I'll just move on with my life, laughing at it when I'm 27. But what I'll never forget is, the feeling of isolation. Like my opinion never mattered to you, that my life was just like a game to you. If you just pushed button A, the girl would have salty warm tears welded up in her bloodshot eyes, have her face scrunched up in an ugly manner and have her temples throb in pain from all the sudden outburst of emotion.
I picked it up anyway, just so you know, just in case you think I don't give a fuck about what you think, because I do. I'm not like you, someone who wouldn't consider what others say. I picked up that letter, just in case I finally have got the courage to read it. For now, I'll never know what it says because I'm afraid to look at it, much less peek at it. All that I've glanced at were just cursive nothings. I'm scared. Scared that upon reading that letter, all that tears would just crowd in my eyes and feel that lump in my throat when I struggle so much not to show any sign of emotions, to show that I didn't give one fuck about what is going on when it is killing me inside. Maybe it's because I try so hard to maintain that face of nonchalance that made me seem as though I don't have any emotions, that I don't feel like a normal breathing being, that I don't feel the pain and hurt by the words you say.
I have always preferred laughing and smiling, never crying. Which is why when they ask if I teared when I watched that heart-wrenching part of the movie, I laugh and say, 'the only tears I shed were tears of boredom.' That's because I never liked to show anyone, any sign of weakness. I can assure you that my well of tears is almost full because I shed little tears on what has become of us. I saw it coming and I don't like it when you make me cry myself to sleep because it is emotionally draining and I hate it. I know that if I read it now, my well would probably be about half of what it used to be because it's still raw in there. I don't want to touch it because it's sensitive and has yet to heal.
You think that you're invincible, but I know better. I know what hurts you most because I am your favourite girl. Like how you know to push my buttons, I know to yours too. I just don't touch them as much as you do because I love you.
